I’ve been pacing this beautiful two-story penthouse in the most famous gentrified neighborhood in Brooklyn (Williamsburg) that I’m currently staying at; trying to find the right words to create what is probably one of those too personal type of blog posts.
I share so much of my “creative” self with the world, whether it be through an interview, a mix, a party I throw/promote, a premiere, etc. My entire life has revolved around satisfying other people: previous editors, artists I interview, artists I work with, parents, friends, family, employers. I’m just one of those people that is more concerned with how my actions make someone else feel rather than how they make me feel; I’m a woman for the people and it’s been that way as long as I can remember.
Surprisingly, however, when I was faced with focusing on JUST me and what I want, need, deserve, like… I fell apart?
I started off the first day of the year alone, which was different… but, it kind of felt needed? It’s only been 20 days into the new year, and already I’m clueless (in certain aspects) of what to do with myself. The past several years, I’ve obsessed with what I need to do to please someone else, and there were a lot of “someone elses” in need of pleasing. These past 20 days have been the only days of my entire existence as a “mature human” that I’ve focused on solely what makes me happy, and it’s the same thing that is making me unhappy.
I’ve always been about “we”, so, what are WE going to do for dinner? What are WE going to see at the movies? What brunch do WE want to go to. When did WE want to check out that new exhibit. Is it ok if WE come to the party a little later? We are going to support so and so at their bla bla bla.
This complete 180 of–ok, Amanda, what do YOU want to do tonight? When do YOU actually want to go out? What do you want to cook for yourself for dinner? When do YOU want to make time to support someone else? Do you even care to go outside at all–is all too much for me. You see, it’s easier to plan things for someone else or with someone else because you can satisfy that said person and feel the gratification of it. It’s almost as if, I’m incomplete, if I’m not making someone else happy. I’ve never learned to just make ME happy – making other people happy seems to be the root of my happiness.
Now, I’m no longer dependent on someone else to make me happy, which is also a new change, but I’m depending on myself? That’s not how it’s supposed to be; other people depend on me, I depend on like… food. Other people come to me for advice or ideas, I… figure it out with my main core group or something. I’m so used to helping everyone else with their life, career, goals, problems, DRAMA – that I literally don’t know how to take a second and handle all of the above for myself.
I’m overwhelmed in all amazingly positive ways because I’m doing so much that I love: writing more, interviewing more people, working with more artists, coming out of the closet in the “DJ” sense, actually playing live in front of other humans, throwing parties that are actually picking up speed, etc. etc. etc. I just think it’s all masking the fact that I don’t know how to just be me, when it doesn’t involve sharing a part of it with someone else. Whether that be my friends, a significant other, or my family, I’ve realized I don’t like focusing on myself. I work so hard and have so many jobs because I can’t stand the fact of being alone with my own thoughts an unhappiness of not pleasing the world.
I don’t entirely know where I’m going with this post, and I’m almost positive it’s more of a cathartic experience than educational, but… I guess it’s the first time I’m really doing something to benefit my well being.